Life

Sometimes life kicks us in the teeth...or maybe I should say, sometimes our human nature kicks us in the teeth. We are supposed to stand up, brush ourselves off and continue on our way, right? We ask forgiveness from a loving God who always grants it to those willing to ask for it, and then we are supposed to move on....right? Why do I find that so difficult at times? Why do I keep getting hung up on this and convincing myself that I cannot possibly be truly forgiven? I know what the Bible says... I keep pleading with God to remind me how far the east is from the west... but the problem is that I keep having to be reminded.



My life has not turned out the way I planned. I have made some really stupid decisions along this road that have hurt others in profound ways. I have worked really hard to rebuild these relationships and repair the damage, and just when I feel I have actually made some real progress this unseen force pops up and starts whispering in my ear. This has caught me so off guard, I am crumbling to my knees, and I am so very confused. I was sure I had dealt with all of this so long ago and that I had comfortably moved on to a fully restored relationship with my Jesus. I know my savior loves me and I honestly, deep down, know that I am truly forgiven... but why is my mind so clouded? Why do I keep coming back here? Why do I keep looking back when there is so much to look forward to? I just cannot put my finger on it...or can I? Perhaps this has nothing to with the forgiveness of my savior and everything to do with forgiving myself...



So, this leads me to yet another mystery... how do I forgive myself? I recognize that I am such rotten scum and absolutely nothing on my own... I do not deserve forgiveness. What if I forgive myself and fall back in to the same bad decisions? Perhaps holding on to it helps me avoid it...



All I know is that I want to let go and let God here more than anything ...so, what is keeping me from doing just that? I am riding the roller coaster and looking for the exit because frankly I am getting a little nauseated. I do not want out of life... I just want out of this. I want to wash it clean but it is like a chocolate stain on the favorite little white dress... no matter what - it is not coming out. Even if you get it mostly out and nobody else can see it... you know it is there. I scrub and scrub and scrub... and that is exactly what the problem is - I am doing the scrubbing when I should be turning the sponge over to God. I should let him scrub it from me - but what if he sees the stain and remembers what put it there?



I am smart enough to recognize that when this all over I will be stronger for it... I will have amazing stories to share and tell others that will grow them in leaps and bounds and point them to my Savior. I know that this is all for his glory and I am excited that God will use this to show others the way. Emmelyn will grow up one day and maybe all of this is to show her the mercy, grace and love of a Savoir who lovingly holds our hearts and gently tries to guide us. So, I will try to hold my head up even though I am so tired, and I will keep looking up even though that unseen force keeps whispering...because I know that in the grand scheme of things - this is only a tiny piece of a huge puzzle that for whatever reason God does not see fit to show me. I will dry my tears and move on because there is a greater force than that tiny unseen one that keeps whispering. No matter how much that unseen force keeps reminding me that my problems are big... I know my God is bigger.